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Saturday, August 28, 2004

Sneaky, Peeking Spying

I got home from the library yesterday... To a morose and suicidal Scooter. AK. Double AK. Its a freaking nightmare...

I could list for you all the things that he is but that is just a waste of time, and typing skill. I had half a hope that this change in our lives would bring out the good qualities in him, and let him exorcise the rotten ones. But I was wrong, at least so far, eh?

He is a liar. And a cheater. And a sneak. Therefore he suspects these qualities in me, I guess. I spent our entire relationship not doing any of those things. The only thing that even came close was that I once went to a lecture with jackass... And didn't tell scoot I was going with him. I made all the plans, told scoot what I was doing, then later added jackass to the mix and then consciously DID NOT TELL scoot that I was going with this man (Friend, just a friend then). I didn't tell cause I KNEW with omnipotent certainty that I would just suffer for it, and I was doing nothing wrong, so I let it slide... And then suffered two months of crushing guilt anyway before I confessed. CONFESSED!

Confessed to the crime of failing to mention something, it wasn't even really a lie. But that's how I am.

Our entire relationship he's known all my friends, every last place I've gone, looked in my drawers, read my mail, had ALL OF MY PASSWORDS... I had not one centimeter of privacy. Last year, it's been over a year, the last straw came when I found out that he had impersonated me on messenger. Come on! How much lying and cheating did he think I was doing with the messenger that he had the password to, that logged in automatically? With the email that he surfs around in at his pleasure??

That was the last privacy straw...

So, I changed my pass word. And this was finally iron clad proof that I am a lying cheater. After all, why would I need a super secret pass word if not to hide my lying cheating ways from him? I was a little late, a little slow, figuring out that a secret password might be the trick to hiding... He had that down long ago. He had a least 5 email accounts, all with pass words unknown to me. What does he need these for? Who knows... I never spied.

Sneaky peeking.

I once walked into the living room to find the computer screen open to an eBay item I had been looking at 5 hours earlier... Turns out he was going through the history and looking at where I'd been on the internet. A KIND OF VIRTUAL TAILING ME. I have a super secret affair going with eBay. We communicate through auction page views. It's a very complicated code, the way I tell eBay how I love it more than I ever loved scoot... But he figured it out and now he KNOWS. I guess I'll have to break off my eBay affair and just start one with blogger. Wait. Already done.

So, this is the context in which to view yesterday. I refuse to hide myself. I am not doing anything wrong (Not the blogging, not the project, not IM). I live here alone (with my kids) and what I do is really none of his business unless it effects the kids... UM, OK -- #3 saw my butt on the computer screen but truth be told, she sees my butt all the time. Now, if it were YOUR butt, I'd hide it a little more I guess.

Yesterday ~ Before I left the house I cleared my computer history. Why ask for trouble? But when I got home it was full of all the things I look at -- Blogs I read, other stuff. Cause scoot is spying. I bet, if I was a return spier, I could catch him going through my folders and looking at my project. I bet he looked at the project yesterday. Maybe even looked at this blog.

Is it my responsibility to now explain to him what this is all about? Cause that's the overwhelming urge I had. To demand that he tell me what the hell was up his ass so that I could explain why it's not what he thinks. Its my GOOD GIRL gene. It's what allowed me to put up with this shit from him for as long as I did.

He'd point a finger at me, say:
"You are ________________" (fill in the blank: screwing what's his name, doing speed, spending money and hiding it from me, lying, cheating)
and my response was to REASSURE HIM that I am in fact a GOOD GIRL. Reassure him.

Well, here is what I think now. He's seen something that he thinks is evidence of what an awful person I am. And I am just gonna let him think it. All my work trying to prove that I am a good and honest person was futile before, and we were married then. I am not going to keep throwing good explanations down the toilet. He's never going to understand me. And now I don't really care.


Blogger Jess said...

Penny, mam, with all due respect, get a password that locks this nosy spying no good jackass out of your computer. I know you have to deal with him on a day to day basis with the kids, but to spy like that is ridiculous. If he is not with you why should it matter? If he wants to come back he is not walking down the right road. He seems to me as if he has one or many complexes. Get him out of your computer and work towards out of your life. You do not need this. It is not worth the stress. Would you look at me... Jess trying to be an adult.

12:18 AM  

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