FIREFOX Users! I have no idea why the colors get weird and I am saddly too stupid to change it. Don't strain yourself... Just ask someone who CAN read it to translate it for you!

Friday, August 06, 2004

Tuesday... then Wednesday... then Thursday...

I made a prediction that I would hear from Jackass on Monday. And I was wrong. I went to bed Monday night thinking "maybe he is gonna leave this alone and it's over, finally..."

I know that is an abdication of responsibility. I can't make my behavior depend on his behavior. I know that. But it's easier when someone else does that for you, you know? Easier. It's just like the "You can't quit, you're fired!" "You can't fire me cause I quit!" interaction. Easy to do it when you've really got no other choice, hey?

That was Monday.

Tuesday I got the flippin email. Wouldn't you know it. and I ignored it. I thought "I just better figure out EXACTLY what I want to say before I clink that reply button and answer him." but the damage was done by then wasn't it?

Wednesday I got the flippin phone call. All of my resolve flushes down the toilet in one piss saturated whoosh. Chit chat, like one minute... and he says "I just wanted to know if you're still riding with me."

Well, I'd like to know that too! Wonder who could fill me in on that bit of info cause it's clearly not my brain that's gonna figure this out. CLEARLY. So, I said "I've been thinking about that. I'll let you know when I decide."

That was some good thinking there. Resolute, firm, in control. I did everything but cry and say "Please love me." Now I am a freak again and it's all down hill from here.

Weds. night the messenger window pops up. He's whistling. and like a very good girl, I come. And like a very stupid girl I get sucked back into the crushing interaction that leaves him feeling happy and me feeling abandoned and bruised. Dude. Bruised.

What did I learn? That its hard for him to have zero contact with me and he's not gonna dump his wife and run off to South America with me so... I just have to be around when he wants me but I have to be quiet when he's got other stuff to do. Sounds simple, eh? Oh, that and the current masterbatory thought of me includes white cotton panties, knee high athletic socks and wet hair. See ya.

Gosh! How can I resist that? I say "Holy crap. I miss you and it suffocates me. Cause I love you and this is all fucked up, and it hurts me too much to just do a little here and a little there and pretend like were buddies just cause it makes you feel better." But he thinks that having zero contact is crazy, afterall, he doesn't like it.

and I said "You own a fragile little part of me." and he says he'll try to be careful. Don't be careful, jackass, JUST GIVE IT BACK.

I have not heard anything since then. And that's the killer. I sent an email that basically layed my soul bare and said PLEASE tell me what you intend to do here, either way, because waiting for you is just not good for me. Please. and I've heard squat. nothing. nada. zip. crap. I could go on but why?

and now, instead of being resolved and healing I am tormented and crying. Is that love? No. I think he just needed me to say it to him. To say "Yes you're still on my mind and yes there is no one else, and yes I love you." Now he's all better but I am bleeding from ripping the scab off again.

It's Saturday... should I make another prediction?


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