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Friday, May 20, 2005

The Deep End of Secrets

When I was kid, my dad taught me how to swim by tossing me into the deep end of the pool and then yelling encouragement such as "Stop flailing and sputtering SWIM for christs sake!"

Interesting memory since I've been engaged in some more introspection lately. I think this childhood experience was valuable for me. No, not to make me feel safe (or even wanted) but certainly to teach me that you either sink or you swim. JUST DO IT.

When things need to be done then they are best done. Even the difficult things. I remember the first time I really screwed up at work. I damaged a vehicle. By being a dumb ass. The first thought that went through my mind was to slop some white-out on there and put enough distance between me and the event to create some plausible deniability. (What scrape? What gooey white substance?? I haven't been near that car in 4 and a half hours, musta been someone else!)

But what I did instead was take a deep breath, walk into my boss's office and fess up. And it turns out it wasn't so bad. I was 23 years old. I have been that way ever since.

Just DO IT.

Things which linger and eat at your soul... This is no good.

Just a couple days ago Number One fessed up that her boyfriend had side-swiped another car while at the wheel of Angels car. I was inquiring about all the cryptic phone calls. She said "Angel doesn't want you to know either."

Interesting. My friend and my daughter engaged in keeping a secret from me. I wondered why but not too much. I imagine that everyone felt stupid. Angel for letting them have her car, Number One for being attached to such an idiot... the idiot for being proven an idiot.

So I told my child this: "When you have to remember who knows about what and keep some things from these people and other things from those people... There's something wrong. Either something wrong with you or something wrong with the people in your life. Because you should not have to keep these kinds of secrets."

SECRETS. I found an interesting site on Blog Spot. People writing their secrets onto home-made post cards and sending them off to be published. There is something compelling and sickening about them, all at the same time. One of them reminded me of someone I know. None of them reminded me of me.

Is it because I don't have anymore secrets? Probably not. I still have a few I guess. But I think I've really pulled the two parts of my life together in a way. I've coalesced. And it feels pretty damn good.

For those of you who still harbor secrets, who are cleaved in half... I can't throw you in the pool. You gotta do it yourself.

Just do it. Quit sputtering and SWIM.


Blogger Junebugg said...

I heard a saying (so long ago that I forget who started it) that I've never done anything that I'm ashamed of or regret, but some things are nobody elses business. I'm a terrible liar, I don't practice enough. It's too much like work and I'm a lazy bitch everytime I get a chance. I decided a long time ago that as long as I like me, everything's OK. Those other people will just have to take me as I am or leave me alone.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Virtual Nobody said...

Somethings that are difficult now may be impossible later, if not done now.

It's one of my life philosophies.


10:55 AM  
Blogger ChairmanTao said...

The biggest regrets in my life are the mistakes I didn't make when I had the opportunity.

Grab life with all hands and enjoy.

4:44 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Wise words...

6:34 PM  
Blogger saRah said...

i'll bear that in mind. thanks for sharing~


8:04 PM  
Anonymous Rue said...

Hey girl… just wanted you to know that I kind of copied you… just not so eloquently.

2:54 PM  

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