If You're HAPPY and You Know It, Test For CLAP

I recently went to my girly-doctor. I presented the visit this way:

“Well, I need what ever you have to get when you’ve been in a relationship with a man with questionable discretion and zero impulse control.”

She said “I see.” And the swabbing began. Gonorrhea, syphilis, Chlamydia, herpes, HIV, hepatitis (A and C, been vaccinated for B), HPV, and what other lovelies? The possibilities are endless I do not recall them all. And all are nauseating. I mean HOLY SHIT. Does anyone know what the scientific term for the fabled “clap” is? I need to ensure I’ve been appropriately examined for that business.

And what the hell do you do when you find out that something showed up? Do I even want to contemplate that???

So I sent Marvin off to get swabbed himself and he came home with a big bunch of condoms. They all say USE ME in big happy letters. Friendly letters. Maybe we should just pass them along to the Bartender in deference to his new girl.

How do I know about the new girl, you ask? Excellent question my friend, and I shall tell you. He mentioned her in the 3 am Valentine’s Day text message… as in “I know I am with someone else right now but I just think of you… blah blah blah… Valentine’s Day…blah blah ack choke (sorry I puked a little in my mouth)” Can you believe this shit???

I wanted to text him back with the words “Thank God you’ve contacted me on Valentine’s Day while your girl is sleeping. I would like to be a piece on the side. But first I HAVE TO MAKE SURE I HAVE SOME DREAD DISEASE TO PASS ON. After all, alls fair in love and casual sex. And she’s probably asking for it anyway.”

This has been a special report ~ I’M Bad Penny