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Friday, April 18, 2008

Why Is My Brain Out To Get Me? or is it...

Well Blog Monkeys and others...

I do not know who the others may be. I know there are few remaining interested cyber-friends. But I suppose that there is an entire new squadron of perusers out there. Peruse on, my friends... WELCOME!

Well, I begin, I am at the WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING ANYWAY??? stage of this relationship with My Marvin. I know this because my dreams tell me so. I have long passed the silliness of thinking that dreams mean anything cogent or FACTUAL, for christ's sake. but nevertheless I have them and they effect me on an emotional level. they are pure emotion couched in disjointed movie like pictures, poor stories designed to display and highlight the emotion. What emotion you ask? Anxiety, fear and suspicion. Yep. I am an evil emotion soup. At least when I am unconscious and my logical brain can not grasp and throttle the defective bits of me.

But dude, isn't that just the problem?

Take my "relationship" with the Bartender. ("Please!" rim-shot, polite laughter... Oh that Penny! What a card!) For example, let's examine that. You don't know, but sadly I do, how much effort I put into talking myself out of reasonable suspicions in favor of candy coated fantasies. WHY? Because at a fundamental level I am defective and I have been molded my entire life to be receptive to mental illness, selfishness and chaos. In fact, some part of me thinks that with out these things there is no love.

My rational brain can sort out the lies my emotional brain tells me.

Or so it would seem until you look at the Bartender. How many times did I experience a perfectly rational, reasonable suspicion - proved beyond a shred of a shadow of any doubt now - and DISMISS IT OUT OF HAND AS MY UNREASONABLE DEFECTIVE BRAIN GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY HAPPINESS? Do you see the conundrum?

How can I trust either assessment???

So I have resorted to looking for outside affirmation of the reasonableness of my thinking. and so far I have gotten resounding approval and that is very good news. Because kids, I gotta tell you...

I am happy happy happy with My Marvin. If I were 16 I would write sappy poetry endlessly and speak of nothing else. I would make the pact to die at the very same moment and god help anyone that risked questioning me. But I am not 16. I am 40. So I just have these stupid dreams and think these circular thoughts and wonder how one gets along in life if you can't even trust your own brain.

2 Comments:

Blogger Pusillanimous Wanker said...

I am so glad you are happy, happy, happy. I do understand not trusting your own instincts, though. In this case I suspect you are only being neurotic, but I cannot be sure of course.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Pusillanimous Wanker said...

BTW, I am using Firefox and can barely read your black text on a very dark blue background.

2:29 PM  

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