FIREFOX Users! I have no idea why the colors get weird and I am saddly too stupid to change it. Don't strain yourself... Just ask someone who CAN read it to translate it for you!

Monday, August 23, 2004


I am depressed.

I know it.

It feels like sick but it's really just depressed... I have the "Heavy, wet, blanket" fatigue, soupy brain, and the need to cry without provocation or explanation. It's a MOOD. I know it's just a mood.

Here's what happened yesterday. I had a tutoring student, which went alright even though I was a little slow (He was slower, seriously slower). But driving home I had this crushing need to just go to sleep. Low grade headache, fuzzy brain, heavy eyed SLEEP MUST COME feeling. I got home and Scoot was here with the kids. I said "If you don't mind I am just going to go to bed." He said "Sure."

I wondered if I am sick... maybe I'm just sick? So, big mistake, I asked Scoot if I feel hot? Put his hand on my forehead, said "Maybe a little." and I was overwhelmed with the need to just cry. I want to be held and patted and told that's its all gonna be fine. I just want an afternoon of small and not in charge me. One single afternoon of "Don't worry baby, I'll take care of you." Scoot is fundamentally incapable of this. I know. And still I stand there so needing it that I almost just said "Hold me." ALMOST.

What I did instead was go into my room and close the door and get in my bed, ALONE, and I cried. Like a baby. Like a crazy person. Like this new, strange me. Like I am crying now.

How do you handle your traitor moods, your traitor emotions? I think this is my biggest challenge, to learn to just be. Be what I am right now. Tomorrow I'll be something different, maybe. But today this is me. And I hate it.


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