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Saturday, August 14, 2004

Pain Killers

I just had the most intensely painful experience of my entire life. I feel as though someone just beat the life out of me. My stomach hurts, my head hurts... It's almost 2 in the morning. And I am empty. a shell.

I told him tonight "Maybe its better, maybe it needs to be nothing at all any more." and he asks "How can you say that? If 10 seconds of silence hurts you, how will a life time feel?"

I said "Its the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me."

He doesn't understand how nothing can better then not enough. Because nothing hurts him and not enough hurts me. Its him or me.

I want him to understand though, so I say "It's like smoking. You decide you're not going to do it any more and for the first few days its hard. Its the hardest thing you've ever done. But then it gets easier and easier until you don't hurt any more and you never smoke again."

Does this explain anything?

"With you. Its like quitting, and going through all the pain and all the struggle. Then you kick it, and you're done. And then you start smoking again. Its like quitting over and over and over."

So for the first time he really heard me say how bad it hurts. He says "Cold turkey is one sided. Its all about the addict." I say "Yes."

"What about that poor pack of cigarettes, used to you holding it. Who gives a shit about the cigarettes."

Silence. Its the truth. This is the problem with being addicted to a person with a heart and feelings... Cigarettes don't miss you when you're gone.

And he cried, I could hear it. Said "I think I like the addict more than I like myself right now." and I am shot through the heart. Do you know how much pain I would rather feel myself than to ever contemplate what I've done now? To him?

He quit for me tonight. He said that it was clear to him that this what I need and he is giving it to me. Letting go. So I can heal up and move on. And all I want is him. I don't care how bad it hurts, I don't care how wrong it is. Just give me my boy back. Because in the end he was willing to take the shot for me. And that only makes me love him more, puts more distance between us.


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