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Sunday, September 12, 2004

Why Am I Pissed When Other People Get Laid?

I am thinking about sex. I have been told that I just need to get laid. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this something that people say to other people who are too uptight and tense and bitchy... wait. OK. I see now.

Anyway, I'm talking to J who has ended his period of celibacy and therefore distanced himself from me now in a fundamental way. Will we ever be the same again? Who knows. I mean, I knew J was gonna get some sooner or later. But I had no idea how JEALOUS I'd be. I'm not jealous cause J is sleeping with some woman who is not me. DUH. I'm jealous cause J is sleeping with some woman and I'm not sleeping with anyone. It's not fair.

Really GOOD friends hang in with you. Really GOOD friends say "You're on a diet? Well, me too then!" or "Chemo therapy? I'll shave my head!" But not my J. My J says "Tough cookies, Dottie. Go get yourself laid and quit harshing my mellow." Crap.

OK. So why can't I just take some good advice. Practically everyone is giving it except for my sweetly naive friend from school... We'll call her An. She is Iranian. She speaks Farsi. She has some language hang ups with English.

"Don't you have to get divorced before you can have a boy friend?" An asks.

"Well, no. There's no law."

"Isn't that bigamy?" An wants to know. "Wait. What's the word? Don't you have to get a divorce first?"

"No An. If you can date while you're married you can certainly date while you're separated."

"But that's bigamy."

"NO, It's adultery."

"Yes, I knew there was a word..."

So, An doesn't think I should just get laid, at least not without finalizing my whole marriage to scooter thing. But everyone else says JUST DO IT.

But I am not that kinda girl. I need a little more than working parts, you know? Then there is this other thing. I have the sneaking suspicion that my girly friend (Lets call her Angel since she is a biker chick) Angel is hitting on me. Just kinda dipping her toe in the "Wonder if Penny would be open to making out with me?" Pool. This really throws me a curve. Since I get the same freaking advice.


Jackass says "How did you know you liked tofu before you tried it? Do you get my point?"

"Um yeah. I get your point. Somehow all these years of feeling pretty damn heterosexual have mislead me into thinking I am not a lesbian!"

"Yes. That's right. Now. I'll be the guy in the closet with the camera..."

So I run it by J. He is on the exact same page as jackass. Go for it! It is the perfect solution to your problem. Just give it up to Angel.

"If I were a woman I would make out with her. Women are great. All soft and curvy." says J.

"Men are great," says Penny. "All hard. and manly."

"Ew." J sees my point I think.

"And If I were a man... well, I would NOT make out with men. Dude, I'd be all over women."

In all honesty I'll have to say that J never mentioned he'd work the camera. But if I sent him a plane ticket I bet I could talk him into it.

Where does all of this leave me? Still alone. With no one to sleep with and lick and bite (In a very sexy way, not a painful way, I swear) and squish up against in the early morning half asleep but half awake and glad not to be feeling like THAT by myself. Still. Alone.

It's not that good friends don't get laid... good friends just don't rub it in.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd say just get laid. I'm not sure about the whole makein' out with the woman thing but hey if that's what you like "GO FOR IT." Hope all works out for you in the long run.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Koochie Taster said...

I could have just written this same post. Well, except for the lesbian part. Sure would be nice to have someone to sleep with and lick and bite...

1:06 PM  

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