FIREFOX Users! I have no idea why the colors get weird and I am saddly too stupid to change it. Don't strain yourself... Just ask someone who CAN read it to translate it for you!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

small&helpless Penny Womb Wishes

I am struggling this morning... Not to email Jackass and beg "Please be OKAY with me."

What in the name of all that is good and pure in the world is this all about?

It's a fractured analysis. On the one side I have this crazy notion that I UNDERSTAND things. On the other side I have this hand delivered notion that I never understand anything.

How is it possible that we can both want the same things and yet be so totally out of synch? I have started and aborted at least 15 emails to him. And here I am starting and really thinking ABORT ABORT ABORT! this blog post about the things I wanted to put in the emails to him. I am a stew of not even knowing what I'd like to figure out about what I do not yet understand about me and this and him and why oh why does it go wonky all the time?

I wish I was still drinking, blindly not realizing that getting loaded is a BAD way to deal with unhappiness and confusion. I'd like to travel back to that unexamined place where its just all good and who cares if Penny's drinking a tad more now than usual? Well, as long as we're wishing I guess I'll wish for a trip back to the womb.

"here i float warm and small and not touched by a thing but her nicotine lubdub is the sound beats all around me placenta whooshes like wind through a tree i think nothing but red filtered light and water muffled sound and always warm always safe always not the one who has to decide"


Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

So, what are the risks of leaving a paper trail? What are the risks of rejection?


5:04 PM  

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