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Thursday, September 30, 2004

The Many Lands of Penny's Brain

Three Two Four

Hola Blog Monkeys! 324 profile views... Jess says "Get a counter" Then I can keep track of who is looking and when and why and from where and with what delicious snack foods while they surf Penny's sub-consciousness. I am not certain if it matters, really, who you are or why you're here. I do know with certainty that I do not have time to keep actual track.

Yesterday sucked. SUCKED I SAY! And I am gonna tell you all about it. But first I have to say that this is my first test of Penny Blog utility in light of Jackass having read it. We'll see what comes out here. Truth, Justice and the American Way? Or ingratiating drivel...

J is off to Florida for his cousins wedding. This is nice. He's happy to be participating in this important event. He's made efforts to look nice for the photos ("Show them your tan line!" Twitters Penny... "Um. Sure. They'll love hanging that memory on the wall.") Its all good. BUT HE'S GONE! Ack.

Now J will have some suffocating response to this. (Imagine that this is being said from under a smothering pillow and sounds all breathless and half dead..."Penny, baby girl. I know I told you I'd be your cabana boy. What more do you want from me!?!") I do not mean to suffocate. I only mean to figure out what Penny's deal is. I think I must be depressed again. No matter where you go, there you are. Let a smile be your umbrella! Turn that frown upside down. Make like a tree and leaf but don't let that door hit you in the ass.

Introspection is a pain in the ass and I'm sick of it.

I said to my father --maybe it was on Monday-- "I don't know how much time you spend thinking about yourself and why you do what you do, how much time you spend in introspection." He just laughed at me. I guess that means he does it, or he doesn't do it, or I'm funny. It means something I'm sure. Something secret which I can not extract from the laughter. Aw, crap.

Jackass called me on Tuesday. Turns out that if all of the circumstances were just right, which IMAGINE THIS!, they weren't... he was gonna ask me if I wanted to have lunch with him. Why does this fuck with my head the way that it does? Because it sends me straight into the Land Of If Only... Lets visit together:

If Only Penny had known, in a psychic flash, that Jackass would call and offer lunch (time together in that way that makes me happy) Penny would have done the appropriate prerequisite ground work. What is this ground work? Why it varies from day to day. Tuesday it was already have a sitter and be out of the house. Apparently getting a sitter after the call is not good enough. If Only Penny knew this, Penny could have prepared.

Preparation Is Half the Battle!

Now, if you are confused by just reading this imagine how hard it is to be me.

I guess I am contemplating the contours of my relationship with Jackass again. Nothingness sucks. I can not stand nothing. Its like living with just enough air to stay alive but not enough to quit feeling like you're about to die.

And as long as I can stay in this "Jackass & Penny" Land I am fine. The problem is that it's not JUST Jackass & Penny, is it? So here is the truly terrible thing that I do not know what to do about. We are sitting together, eating dinner, and his phone rings. He takes the call, has the conversation, it's obvious it's a call from home. It's obvious it's vacation plans. It's obvious that this other life exists, this Not-Jackass-&-Penny life.

(You = "Penny, you seem like such a smart chick. How is it that you can continue to be surprised by the fact that life exists outside your visual field?" Me = "Such a good question. Thanks for stopping by.")

Listening to this conversation made me physically, actually, literally nauseated. I felt like I wanted to puke. I honestly don't know if I want him to know this. Which is where my Blog Utility issues come in. Even if he never reads this I might just imagine that he did.

And, I know that he suffers in the same Limbo-Land. The Land of it's all good if we can just pretend nothing else exists. So, we suffer together. And we indulge together. And we introspect together. And we stand around together sucked into the gravity that is "US".

It comes to me, now, what my struggle is. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the hugeness of this thing between us. Drowning in a literal depth that I do not truly comprehend. And in those times he is as necessary to me as oxygen. He fills a space inside of me that is barren and desolate when he is gone from it.

Other times I am Veruca Salt. I want what I want and I WANT IT NOW.

Will today also suck? Why, we'll never know if I don't get off my ass and on with it.


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