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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Of Blogs & Super-Secretness

As Constant Reader will know, and casual surfer will ignore, I've called my love interest Jackass in this blog. Dude. "Love Interest". I can not even come up with a generic term for him. He's not my husband, or even really my boyfriend (can you have a super secret boyfriend who is married to another girl? I guess you can).

Read back and see the day I suspected he had read this blog. At first I was suffocated! ACK! This is filled with such an avalanche conflicting emotions and confusion and angst and anger. There's stuff in here I would never have told him, but not stuff that I would never have let him know. I just would of candy coated it a little to remove the sting... One of those things is this name I put on him. Jackass. It's not nice. I chose it when I was feeling hurt and manipulated and very much like I did not WANT to like him any longer. There are lots of things I call him. Dork. My Boy. Baby. His actual name. I call him that. I sing it in my head as a happy little song that plays all day long. But here he's been Jackass. Ouch.

So, from now on he's just gonna be My Boy. My Sweet Boy.

My love. My heart.

He's started writing. I told him he should. He is such an island and such a crush of confusing things right now. He needs to sort and order. I sort and order by writing. Oh my gosh! It is like a miracle sometimes how very useful writing is.

So we talked about it. Cause he did read this blog. and it hurt him. and he regrets it. Regrets standing at the threshold and not just walking away from it. He was overcome by that cat-killer: Curiosity.

But you can't unring a bell. and you can't unread a blog.

He's writing one now. His own catharsis. There is something about knowing it will be read. To write with a reader in mind. But not a specific target, like a letter to someone you know, but to you guys The Blog Monkeys! Plus, you can keep your stuff out there in the cyber-sea... adrift and untethered to your My Documents folder. Super-Secret-Safety!

We're talking and he asks "Will you read it?"

"Do you want me to?"

That's a hard one, kids. Maybe he does want me to read it, to find it, to hear the things that he can not just say. But probably not. He's not even sure now, what it is or how useful it will be.

This is me speaking now and just note how logical and wise I am "Will you put it in blog explosion?" He said no. He doesn't really want anyone to read it or comment.

"Well then I will not run across it. I don't push that next blog button."

He asks "If you saw it, if you knew it was mine, would you read it?" I thought for moment about this one. And I gave him the most truthful answer inside me "Nope."

He is impressed, because he read mine. The siren song of looking at my secret places overwhelmed the reasonable man inside him. I go on to explain "It's not that I do not want to know what's there, but if I read it then I would have to pretend that I did not know it. That or confess that I read it. That's too hard to do."

The conclusion is this: If you want me to read it give it to me and I will read it. Otherwise I will leave it alone. Marvel, for a moment, at how filled with maturity and self-control Penny is!

For now.

He's written it. It's out there. He even got a comment from some person who does not know him and certainly does not have the same urge to know all of him that I do. You guys can read it. Just go fishing in the cyber-sea and catch it on your browser hook. Know the things that I do not. Go and see what name he has selected for me. Is it My Love, My Heart? or is it Evil Bitch? Or, god help me, am I not there at all?

That Next Blog button has begun to wink in my dreams. Calling to me. It whispers "Penny. Clink me. I may show you something secret if you do..."

4 Comments:

Blogger ChairmanTao said...

I wait with interest to see just how far this Pandora's box has opened.

It does come down to a root question for me - which is "why do people really blog ?"
Is it to have their inner thoughts validated ?
To see if that secret lover ever stumbles on their words (either intentionally or intentionally) ?
For fame and fortune ?
For their own personal pleasure ?
To meet people and influence them ?
To fill a vacuum in their lives ?

The way that many use Blog Explosion is a hint, I guess.
But it's a psychiatrists dream, thats for sure.

I know Madam Tao will be well pissed off if she ever reads my blog !

ps It's a shame that jackass.blogspot is already taken. that would have been fantastic.
Keep up the blogging, Penny. Your site is one of my faves.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

Does this mean we can no longer use this as the place to arrange our clandestine meetings with you? ;)

-G

3:56 PM  
Blogger Garrison Steelle said...

Does this mean we can no longer use this as the place to arrange our clandestine meetings with you? ;)

-G

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I purposely have kept my blog secret. I don't think I could write what I need to knowing the people involved may read it.

Heather
spirit97.tblog.com

6:14 PM  

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