Valentine's Schmalentine's

Love sucks.


I got a flower. Its made from paper, tape and glitter glue. Its in a graceful red vase. Also made from paper and tape but tastefully... no glitter on the vase. If you don't count the glittery fingerprints. Number Two is the sweetest girl in the world. (Don't tell One and Three I said so)

But as for the romantic GIRLY valentine's day (not capitalized intentionally) wishes:

I got a red velvet choker. Girls like jewelry for valentine's. And I got my favorite candy! Trouble is bought myself the candy and choker. Do I feel pathetic and unloved. Well, yeah. I do.

The Bartender tried to take me to dinner. But I turned him down. That's my fault so I can't complain, can I?

Sexy Granny Penny

As many of you know... I am unusually sexy. Why every time I turn around there's some dude looking at my ass and whistling. Nice respectful Would Ya Get A Loada THAT! whistling. "Meet my MOM" whistling. I'm that hot. Don't look like a Granny.

And get this! I have these super hot bondage boots. Black leather. Laces up the back... I put those on and look out! The hotness is increased. Then I don't even look like a Mommy. I look like a super hot single girl without children and nothing to do but run around with you and get in all kinds of trouble in my hot bondage boots. I am so Single-Girl-Not-a-Mommy-HOT that I fool myself. I fool my own self, Loyal Blog Monkeys, into believing I am THAT GIRL.

So today I am getting all tarted up for school, getting dressed and on with the bondage boots. Look out!

But wait. Wait one little second... there's something in my boots. What the HELL is that? Hot-Not-A-Mommy-Ness facade is shattered in an instant when Penny discovers that her super hot bondage single girl boots are full of






















Cheerios.

Turn and Face the Strange Changes...

To begin with I 86ed the poll. Polls are starting to bug me. Imagine that!

Next, and as a special Bonus Prize!, I've added a little cast bio on the right. (Right. Right over there. Just look at the right and you'll see it there.) It was at the suggestion of a Loyal Blog Monkey and you all know that I live to do your bidding!

Furthermore and without any ado I added a little list of Blog Monkeys. Kids, my dear sweet wonderful monkey children... If your name does not appear there it is only because Penny is tired and addled and frankly a bit slow. There are more I know. At least two, maybe three, more Loyal Blog Monkeys. I will add you. I promise.

Darling! You know I love you. Just remind me, again, what your name is?

Reprise... This is a Former Post but it Seemed SO Relevant Still

I am thinking about sex. I have been told that I just need to get laid. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this something that people say to other people who are too uptight and tense and bitchy... wait. OK. I see now.

Anyway, I'm talking to J who has ended his period of celibacy and therefore distanced himself from me now in a fundamental way. Will we ever be the same again? Who knows. I mean, I knew J was gonna get some sooner or later. But I had no idea how JEALOUS I'd be. I'm not jealous cause J is sleeping with some woman who is not me. DUH. I'm jealous cause J is sleeping with some woman and I'm not sleeping with anyone. It's not fair.

Really GOOD friends hang in with you. Really GOOD friends say "You're on a diet? Well, me too then!" or "Chemo therapy? I'll shave my head!" But not my J. My J says "Tough cookies, Dottie. Go get yourself laid and quit harshing my mellow." Crap.

OK. So why can't I just take some good advice. Practically everyone is giving it except for my sweetly naive friend from school... We'll call her An. She is Iranian. She speaks Farsi. She has some language hang ups with English.

"Don't you have to get divorced before you can have a boy friend?" An asks.

"Well, no. There's no law."

"Isn't that bigamy?" An wants to know. "Wait. What's the word? Don't you have to get a divorce first?"

"No An. If you can date while you're married you can certainly date while you're separated."

"But that's bigamy."

"NO, It's adultery."

"Yes, I knew there was a word..."

So, An doesn't think I should just get laid, at least not without finalizing my whole marriage to scooter thing. But everyone else says JUST DO IT.

But I am not that kinda girl. I need a little more than working parts, you know? Then there is this other thing. I have the sneaking suspicion that my girly friend (Lets call her Angel since she is a biker chick) Angel is hitting on me. Just kinda dipping her toe in the "Wonder if Penny would be open to making out with me?" Pool. This really throws me a curve. Since I get the same freaking advice.

JUST DO IT.

Jackass says "How did you know you liked tofu before you tried it? Do you get my point?"

"Um yeah. I get your point. Somehow all these years of feeling pretty damn heterosexual have mislead me into thinking I am not a lesbian!"

"Yes. That's right. Now. I'll be the guy in the closet with the camera..."

So I run it by J. He is on the exact same page as jackass. Go for it! It is the perfect solution to your problem. Just give it up to Angel.

"If I were a woman I would make out with her. Women are great. All soft and curvy." says J.

"Men are great," says Penny. "All hard. and manly."

"Ew." J sees my point I think.

"And If I were a man... well, I would NOT make out with men. Dude, I'd be all over women."

In all honesty I'll have to say that J never mentioned he'd work the camera. But if I sent him a plane ticket I bet I could talk him into it.

Where does all of this leave me? Still alone. With no one to sleep with and lick and bite (In a very sexy way, not a painful way, I swear) and squish up against in the early morning half asleep but half awake and glad not to be feeling like THAT by myself. Still. Alone.

It's not that good friends don't get laid... good friends just don't rub it in.

Life is Funny Sometimes...

Summer is quickly approaching. Careening right at me like a run away train, throttling head long through the night gaining speed and inertia and... Unstoppable.



So I've been thinking about J. We met in a fairly unusual way and perhaps "met" is not the right word to use. I was surfing blogs and came across a bit of writing that just spoke to me... Here is this guy (pretty cute!) who seemed to know exactly what I was experiencing. I even remember the name of this post "Reel Me Back In".

J was struggling with his S***n troubles and I was struggling with my Jackass troubles... So I left him a comment. It was not the first comment I had ever left. I did not expect too much. Just thought "It's nice when another human being acknowleges you. Recognizes your basic sameness." I expected nothing.

But I ended up with one of the best friends I've ever had.

Life is funny I guess. I count J among my top seven best friends**. J rates with me. He is my project manager and has had such a positive impact on me during a very difficult time that I don't know if I could ever thank him properly. He is kindred, so dear to me that I would gladly do just about anything he asked. (This is a safe enough bet when you know some one well enough to know they'd never ask for something it would hurt you to give) But lately I've been thinking about it quite a bit because it really begs this question:

How the HELL did this happen?

J and I have never spoken to each other. Our relationship exists entirely in pixels and binary code, in the cyber world (There are a few small exceptions which reside in snail mail so I know that J's handwriting is just like my first boy friends and he knows what I smell like cause I spritzed his birthday card). Yet I have told him that I love him and I mean it. How do you come to love someone to whom you've never spoken? There is a certain purity of thought and expression here on the web. Ease of filtering. You can be what you wanna be, say what you wanna say... but if that were all then I would have a relationship with a heck of a lot more people than I do, here. I've emailed and communicated with lots of people on the net. But none of them are like J. And I'd bet, if you ask him, J will say there's something special about me too.

Summer is coming. And it will mark a few milestones for me. I've had huge changes in the last year. But mainly last summer was when I met one of my very best friends. Maybe this summer I will actually meet him again.




** Do not think for one second that I ever take for granted the fact the I can number my best friends and count them. I am blessed with great love. I honor it by counting everyday and never taking a moment of it for granted.