Music 4 Today

Bad Religion ~ SANITY

There's a watch in my pocket and it's hands are broken

the face is blank but the gears are turning

CONFUSION

is a fundamental state of mind

it doesn't really matter what i'm figuring out

i'm guaranteed to wind up in a state of doubt

and sanity is a full time job

in a world that is always changing

and sanity is a state of mind

that you believe

in

sanity

there's a shadow on the wall where the paint is peeling

my bodys moving forward but my mind is reeling

DEPRESSION

is a fundamental state of being

it doesn't really matter how my day has turned out

i always end up living in this world

of

doubt.

reconnecting

i recently got in touch with a groovy chick i went high school with. she was 2 years ahead of me, sooooo sophisticated and beautiful. so together. so confident. she was my idol. funny how all these years later (she is at her 20 year reunion right this very second) our reconnection can rewrite some history.

she remembered me but not with the same clarity as i remembered her. (short, with blond hair and freckles? i think i recall...) but she remembers herself. she was not so confident and cool, on the inside. and i have to wonder, was anyone? even the ones that seemed that way... at the time. maybe i seemed that way to others. this girl now (woman, i should say woman) just remembers being confused and feeling like she didn't quite fit in. but that's how i felt. and i wanted to BE her. wow.

i once, years ago, ran into a guy at a party who remembered me from high school. i didnt remember him. he liked me... from afar. a far afar. "you were just like a cat" (must be the green eyes). i remember thinking 'how come this guy never even spoke to me?' were we all so isolated and lonely, looking out at everyone else, thinking they had something that we didn't?

and talking to this groovy chick brought up memories of some guys from school. i had guy friends. in fact, metro-sexual guy is one of them. we met in high school when we were 15 (a hundred years ago). i have a long line of the strictly platonic very best guy friends. poor guys. underneath it all is that drippy unrequited love, otherwise they'd of never put in the time or the effort. or the pain.

i was thinking a bit about one. and then i found a book on my head board, under the pillow where scooter had left it ages ago. no dust jacket (damn it, why can't he take care of my stuff?) i picked it up to put it on the shelf, opened the cover and there was an inscription. i had forgotten. it was from a guy. a high-school-best-friend-god-cant-you-see-how-you-hurt-me? guy.

that did it.

i googled him. and damn if i didnt find him on the very first shot. he is a director. he writes movies. he's all over the web. very successful. his wedding announcement comes up in Variety... damn. this inscription. it was so heart breaking because from here, from 2004, i can see that he loved me. and i was cruel to him. i never even knew how cruel.

so i emailed him. hi. i think you know me. remember? how are you? he remembers. he remembers things i forgot (like he came to see me in the town i live in now... 80 miles from that school. came to see me when i was 23 years old, that many years since high school.) he sent a photo of his son. i got the chance to say i'm sorry. he just said that he's lived and learned since then. and i wasn't so bad as i think i was. not in contrast to real life. compared to the girls that came later. but i know that it is the first crushes that crush the hardest. he's sweet, let me right off the hook.

so i told him that life is so strange... in my garage in an old photo album i have an 8 x 10 glossy photo of him in a tux dancing with his sister at her wedding. he was 12. i don't know why he gave me that photo. must of pissed his mother off severely (Where the hell did the photo in that frame go?) don't you think? actually, i do know why he gave it to me. because it was good photo, before the zits and crap of adolescence had a chance to make him feel like a troll.

"Isn't it weird? that i have that bit of your life in my garage?" the existential implications of this were astonishing me. ISN'T IT SO BIZARRE THAT I HAVE THAT CHUNK OF YOUR LIFE IN MY GARAGE?

he said "i wondered where that went. can you send it back to me?"

Music 4 Today 4 Juan

Adam Ant ~ Desperate But Not Serious

"If I ask you difficult questions, make improper suggestions,

would you find it a risk to your health?

and put me up on the book shelf

with the books

and the plants..."

Metro-Sexual Guy

I am trying to set this guy up with a girl.  Yes, a GIRL.  There's this really cool chick at school.  Right age, cute, smart.  VERY cosmopolitan.  Very much this guys type.

BUT

He isn't interested because she is in law school and so they have nothing in common.  I said "She's smart.  She has a brain.  She's cute.  What else do you need?" 

"She's probably only interested in people in law shool."

OK THEN.  I guess I should beg you?  How the hell does he have any idea of what she's interested in?  Every day this guy bugs me more and more.

I have a friend who thinks he is getting this irritating way because he is in love with me.  Does this sound really, really stuck-f'in-up to say "Why the hell can't people stop falling in love with me?"  Is it the way I smell?  Jackass, THG, now Metro-sexual?  What the hell?  I try to be bitchy.  I try to be cold and hard to get along with.  When oh when will it end?

Music 4 Today

Three Days Grace ~ I Hate Everything About You

 

"Why do I love you?"

Tree-Hugger Guy

I was at school tonight... thinking I needed to write about hair guy.  But then Tree- Hugger Guy so eclipsed hair guy that I nearly peed myself laughing.  OH MY GOSH.

THG is a major left-wing environmental pseudointellectual type.  The last class I had with him, he sat behind me... once asked me "What do you feed the high octane brain of yours?"  He creeped me out then but I've grown since then.  I am more tolerant of people who are not like me... but only slightly I guess.

This happened a couple weeks ago...

THG gave me his phone number.  He is kinda fun to talk to about civil liberties and environmental stuff.  he is a nut.  but he wrote on there preferably not late.  so I said what's that mean?  what's late?  and he says just during the day.  so  I said "Seriously?  what's late?  you don't want me to call you at 2 in the morning to discuss the comments to the rule on fee sharing?"  and he reluctantly says this - "Late is anytime my wife is around."

!!!

 he was avoiding the question, didn't offer it voluntarily.  So I said "Don't worry.  I wont call." and he says "It's her problem, not mine."

!!!

Dude.  What the hell?  So I said "Nope, it's your problem and I am not going to be the cause of it so I wont call, don't worry."  and I wont call.  I can not imagine, for even a tiny bit of a part of a second, that I would ever feel even slightly warm for nutty THG.  but a rule is a rule and I made myself that rule for a reason.  So no THG.

We've been in this class weeks now.  THG has migrated closer and closer to me.  Now he sits in the next chair over.  Tonight he alluded to sitting in the back row to be near me as normally he's about 3 rows back.  All of this is fine.  Really.  REALLY.

Then the teach reminds us that we have no class next week.  YEAH!  A week off.  Makes me want to kill myself since I live for school now.  Anywho, THG says "You know what we should do?  Lets get together next week and just study.  You can help me pass this test."  I said "Maybe."

Truth is that I like to teach the others kids (Ha, its school I have to say kids... THG is at least 45) cause it helps me.  Helps me remember when I have to make someone else understand, also helps me to feel superior...

Time comes to leave.  I tell THG that I am not just going to show up there next week.  "We need a plan."  He gets really ... um.... bouncy and gesture-y.  "We need to talk about that."  I totally started to laugh RIGHT THEN.  Hands over my mouth laughing.  It was mean but I can not help it.

He goes into a long explanation about how he knows himself and there's this thing between us, this sexual thing, and we are on a collision course.  We could just get together and do something really stupid.  It would be sticky.  there's this connection and this thing.  Meanwhile I am laughing.  Out loud.  But he keeps on going.  He actually said that my laughing was making it better cause now he doesn't need to worry.  OH MY GOSH.  Is he insane?  I said "Hey, I'm sorry but I am just not even remotely interested in you that way."  Truth is I am only the teeniest bit interested in him in any way.  I am bored and lonely at school since jackass is gone and I have no one to make fun of the others with.  Its mean but its true.

And still he did not quit.  Finally I said "Here's what we'll do.  We'll just keep it at this level.  We'll only see each other at school with lots of people around and we'll just play it safe.  It's probably better that way.  Find someone else to study with."  I did everything but rip my blouse and beg him not to reject me.  Now I have to figure how to go to school in 2 weeks and not just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Music 4 Today

John Hiatt  "Take It Down"

Take everything we have
take it and burn it to the ground
some things were never meant to last
take it down down down
take it down

I'm still married to all
that aint no place to hang around
my love is fifty feet tall
take it down down down
take it down

I've grown accustomed to the way
you hurled us into space
we'll never take that trip
tears are rusted on my face
I'm just an empty space
where your love used to fit 

What I want in a Man or Metro-Sexuals need not apply

First, and please do not fail to take note of this,  he has to be a man.  I hope not to offend all those feminists out there, who worked so hard to be treated like men themselves.  But I did not sign up, and I do not want to JOIN in, so count me out.

This metro-sexual phenom has me flummoxed.  I have a friend.  He just spent a bunch of money... on a duvet cover.  He is straight, I swear he swears he's straight.  I want a guy that does not even understand a duvet cover.  My guy will say "What the f**k is a duvet?"  When I get a duvet cover he'll say "Hey, sweetie, that's nice." but no Bed, Bath and Beyond shopping for him.  Not even on the week-ends.

A man.  Not a boy.  Certainly not a little boy with a dopey  "are you my mommy?" thing.  Why do guys like this not understand that women don't want to sleep with their teenage sons?  If you are gonna whine and demand to be mothered all the time, please don't apply.  Because I'd like to be with a man I can have sex with.  You know, and not want to puke.  Having sex with a guy that you also have to parent?  Makes me want to puke.

A brain would be nice.  The ability to comprehend things in the abstract. 

I want a guy that will order for me, not to be in charge but because he knows what I like.  Kiss me without asking permission.  Also because he knows what I like.  A guy that will stand back a little and know that other guys think I'm hot, look at my ass, think about me.  A guy that is totally OK with that because he understands me.  I am not a player, I don't screw around.  This guy, he just feels bad for those other guys cause he knows when I picked him I meant it.

Lets see.  How about a guy that brushes his teeth?  That would be super special. 

I'd like a man that does man stuff.  Like mowing.  I'd like a man that won't sit on his ass and watch me fight with the lawn mower, watch me try to start it, watch me shove it around.  How about a man that CAN'T sit on his ass and watch that.  A man that thinks watching a woman mow is a freaking crime against nature.  That is what I want.  Too much?

This Morning...

When you reach adulthood, you are no longer supposed to be filled with existential angst, right?  Every day is just another trip into this adolescent~lonely~nobody gets me~what the heck am I here for? thing.  I know that I need to learn to be alone.  I KNOW that.  But what if I get so used to it that then I can't be with someone else?  I actually know someone like this.  It is the key to bachelorhood, I think.  Getting so self-reliant and "settled" that there is no room for another person.  I totally am intolerant of the annoying little personal habits of other people as it is.  Is it only going to get worse??

 

1/3 Life Crisis

I refuse to call it a mid-life crisis.  I absolutely reject the idea that I am only gonna live to... wait, if i say then I'll be admitting that I am not 16.  Crap.  Let's just say I figure my age times 3 is old enough but times 2 is not old enough...  for death.

I have noticed that the other people who have my music interests in their blogs are all children.  little kids.  damn kids. 

Except for a recently associated with dude (Juan) who I stumbled on by clicking Adam Ant.  There are probably more but I quit looking after like the 12th teenager.  Blink.  Big with the kids... who knew? 

All my friends think I've gone insane.  Look at your clothes, Penny.  What's with your hair, Penny?  You're so Goth now, Penny.  Seriously.  The one that said this thinks I'm goth because I dyed my hair black and have some red nail polish.  Goth.  HA!  I dyed my hair because I am tired (TIRED TIRED TIRED) of having red hair.  Thats it.  thats all.  No gothness here.

and those bondage pants.  that's not goth its punk.  it's punk and repressed sexuality.  Just like the bondage boots (laces up the back very, very hot) and the hand cuff t-shirt.  Okay, maybe I have gone insane.  They don't call it a crisis for nothing.